It bothers me, that she, died after her revelation. Never one to pen a fan letter; I’d make an exception, to write to ask, do we ever really win? There seems to be an underlying line, a story in every manifesto burning pages these days; everyone claims power while cutting off a piece of ones own skin. Hellions? Every woman on that cover has done battle with herself: alcohol, drugs, starving, exercising, committing a sin of all sins, saying: “take me as I am”, yet never believing in the, “I”.
I wonder about girls today. Who are they believing in, in this facebooked/facetimed hyperaware digitized nation. Where are their strong voices coming from in a past generation? The 80s/90s had Murphy, Mary Jo Shively, a bit of Maggie (though she was weak/strong when it came to men), Mrs. Keaton, and even Mrs. Huxtable. Murphy, though, Murphy started me thinking: yes, why are there not more women ruling the men?
Are we not hungry? Appetite for destruction seems to feed us until we are starving. Caroline Knapp’s words are rubbing my face in my shit; waking me up to little girl blue that still sits on her playground swing singing, “ashes, to ashes, we all fall down!” Her voice low, always blue; already seeing that lack of power play out with her brother; he ran free while she got to sit, waiting, to kick that ball.
To hell with it all. This hunger that gnaws is growing; there is a scratching at the backdoor, hinges still needing oiling; where the doormat stays muddy, caked by men’s work boots, that then proceed to walk all over her white tile scrubbed clean after eight hours; after preparing his feast for tonight’s table. I know, as Caroline knew, we cannot blame these men. No, our self-hatred is earned from a seed akin to the mustard. We’ve found solace in not feeding our true nature; letting our stem slowly die so the white bloom never reaches tomorrow’s azure sky. Why? The truth resides where we must carry not only a flame, but a torch.
If you are a strong woman; if you know not what I write tonight; bless you; sing loud, sing strong, sing for the sister in me who has smothered her own for over twenty years. I worry that Caroline beat one beast with another, letting alcohol become her destruction when she finally fed her other hunger. Uncertainty sometimes causes us to feel thirsty, when really, we just want to be fed.
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1) Caroline Knapp’s book, Appetites. Currently reading after finding at used bookstore in Gender Studies.
2) Hellions. Maria Raha. Picked up in Gender Studies as well.
3) Murphy Brown. Mary Jo Shively, Designing Women. Maggie, Northern Exposure. Mrs. Keaton, Family Ties. Clair Huxtable, Cosby Show. (Just a few that came to mind.)
Caroline Knapp struggled in her twenties with anorexia. She wrote “Appetites” after penning other books, including her most noted book, “Drinking: A love story.” Sadly, after seeming to have finally found her place in life; she died unexpectedly after Appetites was published; she was 42.
inzwakazi
/ 2012/04/15Sometimes our voices are not silenced by men. They are silenced by some of us who were too scared and feared recluse and being a center of attention. Whenever we see a sister speak the green-eyed fiery monster asks ‘how dare she gets where I couldnt dare to be’.
a. m. f.
/ 2012/04/16Isn’t that such a sad truth, i?
For me, the one blessing of growing older…my ego is in check. I no longer look at other’s beauty with jealousy; I champion other’s success for I know that she has had hurtles no matter her position in life.
I will say, though, that men can still damage a fragile self-esteem… It has taken me a long time to battle those demons. Sad, to be a stronger female at 14 than at almost 40….time, time… ~
inzwakazi
/ 2012/04/16Its the hurtles that make us stronger. Without them we remain entrapped and limited by our own thinking.
Carl D'Agostino
/ 2012/04/15“I wonder about girls today” This thought always present in my 33 years high school teacher. All minority schools. Multiple pregnancies and at least a third over 250 pounds. Another permanent underclass generation. Any girl with ambition or ability in academics tormented as “acting white”
a. m. f.
/ 2012/04/16Carl, that is a sad statement, but so true of our society…class/race warfare, among our peers, is rampant.
Eating disorders are still considered an upper-middle class, white ‘girl’ disease. Perhaps that is changing, though; for there are more non-whites (though not normally African-American females) that are exhibiting such behavior. That said, it boils down to empowerment, or lack there of. No matter a female’s color, the struggle still remains, it is just that the vice morphs, i.e. food, drugs, men, etc..
Darn, now you’ve got me thinking…how do we raise ‘em up; where are the mentors, not just female, but females of ethnicity from ‘the neighborhood’ who have ‘made it’, not to be white, but to be a strong woman?! ~
Andra Watkins
/ 2012/04/15I agree with inzwakazi above, to some degree. Women aren’t further along because women hold women back. It’s almost always a woman who derides another woman’s appearance, her abilities, her reasons for success. Those articles that get published about how many times Hilary wore pants on the campaign trail or how haggard she looks as Sec of State…….women, I’m sure, were behind them. Same for Michelle Obama’s arms. If women could honestly band together, we WOULD rule the world.
a. m. f.
/ 2012/04/16True, Andra. It has taken me time and age, though, to learn to support without feeling threatened. Isn’t that sad? Why? I felt my own class warfare…finding it hard to champion someone who already had a foot in success’s door because of her family, or her money.
It is sad that women, adult women, still have to get catty about looks…can’t figure it out! Support your sister, don’t be a man!